Sunday, 7 April 2013

Cut? Tear? Slice? What Your Pizza-Eating Method Says About You

The way in which you consume your pizza can say a lot about you as a person. So says Christian Rose-Day anyway.

It was as I glanced across the table at my colleague on a recent visit to one of our favourite London pizza restaurants, Fire and Stone in Covent Garden (below), that I realised exactly who she was and what she was all about. I made gross assumptions about her as a human being from witnessing her betrayal of behaviour through the method she chose to cut her (frankly ridiculously huge) pizza.
Although right handed - when, in those rare moments these days, she is forced to use a pen (you know, those pointy things with the coloured liquid in them) - she was grasping her knife in her left hand, and her fork in her right hand. She was tearing the pizza’s thin crust base asunder, bilateral forces opposing one another to pull the pizza apart.

How very odd, thought I. And then it dawned on me that this was a subtle insight into her psyche. I could learn more about her, privately, merely from watching her eat a pizza.

There are many interesting theories on eating habits and what they say about you floating around the ether, but not many specifically about pizza.

And so....

Chosen method of consumption 1: Cutting
What this says about you as a person: you are a functional eater. For you, using a conventional knife and fork to eat your pizza is just good manners. You agree with Wikihow when they say that, “This is probably the most polite way in eating a pizza.” You like convenience, and speed is of the essence in your world. This pizza is merely an satisfactory way to give your body sustenance so that it carry on being your body for the rest of the day. You have more important things to be tackling. You’re not choosy. You probably use a microwave at home. Simplicity is everything to you. You want to eat the pizza efficiently, satisfy your hunger, then get back to your work/shopping/errands as soon as possible. You cut neatly from the parmesan-crusted edge of the pizza, carefully chopping bite-sized chunks from its doughy mass in a disciplined manner; finishing at the centre/heart of the pizza. You’re probably drinking an affordably priced juice or Belvoir Fruit Farms Pressé with your lunchtime pizza. Your wardrobe is mainly full of greys, browns and blacks. And your iPod is mainly filled with Coldplay, Adele and Queen’s Greatest Hits.

Your pizza of choice is the sweet Canberra (right). The plain chicken, garlic potatoes (yes, potatoes), mushroom, and mozzarella create a suitable foundation, whilst the chives and sweet chilli sauce offer a little glimpse into excitement that the sour cream quashes for you. Pizza equilibrium.

Chosen method of consumption 2: Tearing
What this says about you as a person: you are a sensual eater. You’re a maverick. You don’t play by anyone’s rules. You’re a pizza punk. You just don’t care. You want to spank that naughty, naughty pizza. Instead you give it a wink before devouring it in a non-linear fashion, haphazardly ripping sections from the middle, then the edge, then back to the middle. Your fork does the cutting, your knife is simply there to stabilise your prey whilst you rip it apart and devour its flesh. Pleasure is paramount in your world. You face each day as though it’s your last, drinking in the freshly squeezed juice of zeitgeist with great, gasping gulps. That is not merely a pizza, that is the conduit to The Happy Place. You’re probably drinking a whole bottle of blood red Malbec with your lunchtime pizza. Your wardrobe is mainly full of feathers, gold and Spandex. Your iPod is mainly broken because you’ve thrashed it so much.

Your pizza of choice is the fiery Trinidad and Tobago (right), an explosion of explosions boasting green chilli, red chilli, jalapenos, pepperoni, salsa AND coriander. Awooga!

Chosen method of consumption 3: Slicing, then using one’s hands
What this says about you as a person: you are American, or Philistine, or Tony Naylor of The Guardian who says, “you can eat pizza with a knife and fork off a plate, but, psychologically, it will always taste marginally better cut into large slices and eaten with your fingers.” Your weapon of choice is the circular cutter which enables you to create wedges of pizza that you can then pick up, fold, and direct towards your gaping mouth like pizza darts; crust last (it’s basically a handle). You also value comradeship, hence yours is the most sharable form of pizza consumption. Grab a brewski, buddy. Let’s hang a while and shoot the sh*t, man! You’re probably drinking a bottle of Brooklyn Lager with your lunchtime pizza. Your wardrobe is mainly full of t-shirts with other people’s names on, and baseball caps. Your iPod is mainly filled with American rock n’ freakin’ roll, Country and Western, Broadway show tunes, and RnB.

Your pizza of choice the LARGE flavour. And yeh, you want sides with that!

I won’t disclose the method I chose to eat my chosen pizza, but suffice to say, it was most satisfying. I’ll even forgive the errant black hair that appeared from within its cheesy interior - my colleague is blonde, I’m ginger - because the overall Fire and Stone experience is one I will be replicating one day, and I urge you to do the same (maybe book ahead just in case everyone else has the same idea about finding out who they really are by eating yummy pizza).


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